


Never Forgive The Angels

by KebinMoon



Series: The Groom [2]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Kevin, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Nightmares, im sorry forgive me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 03:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20575442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KebinMoon/pseuds/KebinMoon
Summary: Jacob's funeral has arrived. It's only been just over a week since his death and Kevin is in ruins. He needs to get his life back on track





	Never Forgive The Angels

**Author's Note:**

> okay if you're reading this, especially after reading the first one, thank you. I know it's very angsty and sad but I practically cried writing this bc of how sad it is. Also forgot to mention in the first part but this series is 3 parts and is based on songs by Bat for Lashes, which are the titles for each part. If you wanna check out the songs you can but they gave me the premise of these.

Kevin sat in his room, the lights off, the curtains drawn. He stared at the grey of it, the color seeping into his own eyes, everything around him black and white now that his world had lost its color. Jacob’s funeral was tomorrow, or today, could’ve even been yesterday in Kevin’s mind, he couldn’t tell what was up or down, nothing made sense anymore. Nothing could make sense in a world without Jacob. The other person involved in the crash had survived. Now how the hell that was fair Kevin couldn’t figure it out. At least that person is being tried, he had been texting and driving. When Kevin had first heard the testimony the man had given he had screamed and thrown the device he was listening to it on across the room. He listened to it on a loop, like he did Jacob’s voicemail, that gritty, smoke-addled voice groaning how it wasn’t his fault, how he had checked the color of the light. Often on his drinking nights which had become almost every night since the day Jacob passed he would laugh cynically at the voice and talk to it. Sometimes it would even talk back to him, taunt the fact that his love was now dead, he did not know the man’s life but he assumed it was a bitter one to not feel remorse for killing his Jacob, his wonderful, amazing Jacob. How could anyone take someone so perfect from this world, why did Jacob deserve to die and not the horrible man who had done everything wrong. He missed Jacob so much. He wishes Sangyeon hadn’t stopped him.

A knock sounds on the door and he knows it’s him, they never leave him be, always needing to be babysat. Sangyeon was announcing his arrival to the house, Kevin couldn’t stand being near Jacob’s things but he couldn’t stand being away from them either. He saw him in everything that surrounded him, Jacob woke up with him, sat on the floor with him, drank with him, slept with him at night. He talked to Jacob, when the others walked close to his door they could hear him talking and would ask him what he needed, but he said nothing. He talked endlessly sometimes to Jacob, sometimes he couldn’t bare it, looking at Jacob sitting there so vividly in his mind just causing him to cry. Everything around him was Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. He dreamed of him too. All the dreams ended with Jacob dead no matter how it happened. Sangyeon knocked again, Kevin figured he should acknowledge him.

“What?” Kevin said gruffly, his voice didn’t sound the same, it was hollow and hoarse from crying so much.

“Kevin, come sit out here for a bit, get some air a snack,” Sangyeon suggested, he wasn’t stupid, he knew Kevin hadn’t eaten since Jacob’s passing, knew Kevin had been talking to someone and he feared it was Jacob. Kevin’s body had needs and he was ignoring them all, but Jacob’s funeral was in a couple hours, the younger male should probably get dressed and presentable for that. He wouldn’t miss it, Sangyeon knows that much, but it’s his duty to make sure he goes in a right state.

“I don’t wanna,” Kevin whines from inside the room, making Sangyeon roll his eyes.

“Kevin, you gotta, please. For… For him.. For Jacob,” Sangyeon tells him, he doesn’t hear any noise for a moment until he hears the doorknob turning, he stands up from the doorway and sees Kevin standing on the other side. Kevin looks as rough as he had assumed he would, eyes tired from sleeping too much and too little, clothes the same as he had put on when he brought him here a week ago. His whole form looks bony and malnourished from only a week of neglect and stubble is showing along his jaw. He looks like a wreck.

“Okay.” is all that comes from Kevin’s mouth as he stands there, but suddenly he is collapsing against Sangyeon and crying again, Sangyeon holds him close.

“Kev it’ll be okay, I know how much you loved him, he loved you so much too. It’ll be alright, we’ll find a way to exist without him, as much as I wish we didn’t have to,” Sangyeon tries to comfort him.

“I wish I could’ve been better for him, maybe then none of this would’ve happened and, and-” he is cut off by Sangyeon.

“Don’t do that to yourself. Kevin you loved him more than anyone in the world, you are not at fault, maybe if I had just gone with him, but the dumbass insisted on going alone,” Sangyeon tries to joke but he can feel his heart breaking at the loss of his best friend cut deep.

“I just wish I could have a second chance, at that day, remind him to grab his fucking tie. All of this, getting dressed to go to a funeral over a stupid fucking bowtie,” Kevin laughs harsh and sarcastic.

“I know, but we must keep going, Jacob wouldn’t want us to stop living just because of him,” Sangyeon reassures himself more than Kevin with his words.

“He was my whole life, I don’t even know what living is anymore,” Kevin admits teary eyed.

“Sure you do Kev, you still have me and all your other friends, you will survive this, I will be here for you,” Sangyeon tells him.

“Promise me you’ll always be here Sangyeon please,” Kevin begs as Sangyeon takes in his teary broken eyes.

“I will always be here for you Kevin.” Sangyeon promises. “Now let’s get you ready to go to the church for the service and burial, we need to lay Jacob to rest,” Sangyeon tells him.

“I miss him,” Kevin cries, meanwhile Sangyeon lifts him and urges him towards the bathroom with a suit to wear.

Kevin takes his time, feeling the water pour over his head, it’s icy cold. He feels the cold screeching through his skull and his skin, his whole body shivering yet he still can’t feel anything. It’s a distant iciness wrapping his body in a hug, yet he is on fire in his mind. That is how he had awoken these past few nights, in the middle of the night or day, they all blended together for him anyways. He would fall asleep crying and he would toss and turn his mind conjuring up sick images of himself being the one dying in the car, of what Jacob must have felt. His last moments. Then he would be on the beach, sand beneath his feet and flying up from where his shoes stepped as he chased after a car driving farther and farther away, still on fire. Suddenly the cliff would come into view and he’d be falling, down, down until it felt like there was no end and then suddenly he would slam into the remains of Jacob’s car still aflame. He always woke up screaming, wishing desperately that Jacob could be there to hold him even just one last time.

Kevin wished deep in his heart that he had been the one in the car instead of Jacob, then he would remember how much he was hurting and he would wish they had been together in the car. In his darkest moments he would wish that it had been Sangyeon in the car instead of either of them. Sangyeon was his rock through this time of losing Jacob, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but sometimes go to that place that wished so desperately for Jacob to be alive that he would accept anyone else being dead. It was morbid, but lately Kevin was having a hard time separating life and death so everything was morbid.

He exited the cold shower shutting the water off as memories of Jacob flashed in front of him, and then he saw him again, Jacob standing in the bathroom with him. Jacob looked as alive as ever, but it was a lie, he knew it was. He began crying again nonetheless, wanting to hold the older again.

“You’re paler than you were before,” Jacob- the mirage of him Kevin has to remind himself- says.

“Yeah well in case you haven’t noticed I’m not doing too great,” Kevin says sarcastically.

“Don’t forget how to tie that,” Jacob comments as he points towards the tie sitting on the sink waiting to be put on.

“I know how to do it, thank you very much,” Kevin’s voice is biting and angry.

“There is no need to be angry at me baby,” Jacob comments calmly.

“You’re not real,” Kevin almost shouts, “that’s why I’m-” he holds back a sob.

“Baby, I’m sorry, I love you,” today is his funeral, Kevin can’t lie to himself thinking this Jacob was real. Maybe tomorrow he would be willing to talk to him again.

“I need you,” Kevin cries.

“You’ll make it baby, I know you will. Just keep being you,” Kevin feels a whisper of tingles run along his wrist where fake Jacob had grabbed before being gone from sight as Sangyeon called to him.

“Kevin, almost ready?” Kevin looks at the tie sitting on the counter, he had worn it on their first date, he picks it up and ties it with shaky hands before opening the door.

“I’m as ready as I can be,” he affirms with as much of a smile he can muster, which isn’t much Sangyeon notices as it looks much more like Kevin is struggling not to cry rather than trying to smile.

They arrive right on time, only a few other people gathering as they walk up the steps, Kevin spots Jacob’s parents who make a face of disapproval at him. Sangyeon wraps his arm around Kevin and draws him away from them, he doesn’t need to feel any worse than he currently does. He leads them into the church, avoiding the other people there, not in the mood to exchange pleasantries and he truly doubts Kevin wants anyone more than him there as well. The two get seats in the very first row of pews, from here he can see Jacob’s casket, and the collection of bright colored flowers on top of it. Tears begin to fall yet again, he hasn’t really stopped crying since the accident.

“Please move yourself to the back of the church,” Kevin hears and looks up to see Jacob’s teary eyed mother standing in front of him.

“We will not,” Sangyeon jumps in to defend Kevin who stares forlornly down at his feet.

“Sangyeon you do not have to move, this one on the other hand,” Jacob’s mother looks at him accusingly, people are now collecting in the church and Sangyeon wants to avoid a huge scene.

“No thank you Ms. we will remain here,” Sangyeon politely says.

“He doesn’t deserve to sit here, he’s the reason-” Kevin stands up interrupting her.

“What?! I’m the reason he’s dead? Is that what you were going to say to me, because if you opened your eyes for TWO DAMN SECONDS you would realize I did nothing but love Jacob. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, he was going to be my husband,” Kevin lets out a choked sob as his voice cracks, “I never once hurt him nor would I ever. He was my whole world and I can’t even get out of bed in the morning anymore. He was going to be  _ my husband, _ I loved him more than anything in the world,” Kevin begins shrinking back as he cries harder, suddenly Sunwoo is at his side hugging him, he turns into the youngers arms.

“I think it best if you take a seat on the other side of the church,” Sangyeon advises as everyone in the church had heard the commotion and was now staring up at them gathered up there.

“Whatever. You ruined his whole life,” Kevin sobs harder hearing that, maybe Jacob did hate him, wanted him out of his life so he died to get away from Kevin. No. No, that’s insane.

“Kev, sit down, I’m right here. We are right here,” Sunwoo whispers into his ear easing the older back into his seat.

“Did he hate me? Did I ruin his life?” Kevin asks Sunwoo.

“That’s insane Kev, we all saw how much he loved you. Unconditionally. He would’ve done anything for you, you know that,” Sunwoo insists.

“It just hurts that they still can’t accept Jacob, even in death,” Kevin chokes on the word death, it spreads a fire through his bones, not that he doesn’t constantly feel like fire is licking at his skin as it had done to his Jacob.

“We are gathered here today to grieve the loss of a life, one so powerful, one who touched many souls...” the pastor begins. It should’ve been at his wedding that he heard those beginning words, these people should be gathered to see them finally marry. Instead a casket lie at the front of the church, instead of the two holding hands, staring at each other with wide smiles. They will never get to promise the rest of their lives to each other, instead Kevin sits and listens as the pastor reads about life and destiny. He used to go to church regularly with his parents, he stopped after he moved out but he had never stopped believing, not until he saw Jacob’s body lugged out of that car, did he think God was not truly there for them. After all, how could God be real when the only angel Kevin had ever known was torn from his life too soon.

After the service Sunwoo led Kevin out of the church as Sangyeon spoke to some of Jacob’s family, the family that accepted him. Outside of the solid oak doors they found Haknyeon, Sunwoo’s boyfriend. They greeted each other with a sweet kiss, Kevin couldn’t bare any of it. The three of them stood and talked for a bit as they waited for the service to move to the cemetery for the burial. Haknyeon was nice, after all he had been Jacob’s friend, Kevin noted that he looked tired, but he was still his usual cheerful self. He could understand how Sunwoo was drawn to him, Sunwoo had always tried to be cold and shut off from the world but Kevin knew he was actually the sweetest and Haknyeon definitely brought out the warmer side of him. Deep down he was happy for Sunwoo and he tried to make it come out but he was jealous, so jealous that he got to hold Haknyeon’s hand.

“Kevin it’s time for the burial, are you sure you’re okay to stay?” he hears Sangyeon ask as he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“C’mon are you really gonna miss my burial? Your final chance to say goodbye,” mirage Jacob is back.

“No I wouldn’t miss it. I just miss you,” Kevin speaks aloud to Jacob.

“Kevin?” Sunwoo gives him a questioning look.

“I’m sorry, uhm, yes I’m okay,” Kevin shakes his head clear but mirage Jacob is still there staring back at him, he walks beside Kevin over to the plot where he is to be buried.

Each step they take Kevin’s body feels heavier and heavier, plodding along these gravestones he can’t believe that that is now all Jacob will be, a piece of stone. His beautiful smile forgotten, his wonderful laugh silenced, his everything  _ gone _ . Now the only thing that remains to prove that he ever actually existed a piece of stone reading:  _ Jacob Bae Beloved Son, Brother and Fiance _ . Kevin feels more tears collecting in his eyes, his vision turning foggy as he reads the words engraved there. They were set to get married.

The crowd watches silently as Jacob’s casket is lowered into the ground, Kevin walks forward and tosses a bouquet of Jasmine and red Chrysanthemum that had been prepared for him on top of the casket. He then reaches down and tosses a clump of soil atop him. He walks away slowly, tears dripping quickly and goes back to Sunwoo’s comforting arms as they fill in the hole that had been made for Jacob. For that’s all that was left of him, a casket deep in the soil and a piece of stone lying just above him. Kevin doesn’t think he could ever forgive whatever higher power there might be out there for doing this to his one and only.

After the funeral Sangyeon drives the younger home, the car ride is silent, but Sangyeon knows what he needs to do, he needs to get Kevin back to work. He’s been out ever since the day of the wedding. Of course, he had already scheduled time off for a honeymoon, but he had it extended a few days after what happened. Sangyeon knows Kevin has run out of extension days and if he doesn’t go back he’ll be fired. Jacob wouldn’t want that, Kevin loves his job at the restaurant, cooking is his passion, has always loved putting together a dish and presenting it beautifully. Sangyeon needs to help him get that back.

They pull into the driveway and Kevin quickly exits the car running inside, Sangyeon hurries after him, he sees Kevin in the living room of the house stripping off his suit. Sangyeon can’t help but notice how skinny Kevin has gotten since the day of Jacob’s death, but despite that he still looks beautiful. Sangyeon had never been drawn to Kevin, but he wasn’t blind, the younger man was exceptionally handsome and had always been, one of the many reasons Jacob fell for him he recalls. He had never found himself attracted to the younger and never wanted to but he can’t deny the allure Kevin has with his high cheekbones, which can also be squishy and lightly dimpled cheeks, his sharp brown eyes. No wonder he had gotten someone like Jacob to love him, not to mention how good of a person he was. Always selfless, always kind. Jacob’s death had turned him into a shell of what he had been before. Not quite as shiny, a little dulled out in the eyes, yet they still had fierce burning fire inside them, though Sangyeon knew that was from the fire he had seen take the life of his love. Sangyeon stops Kevin, after he’s gotten dressed but before he can lock himself in his room again, he grabs him by the wrist and sits down with him.

“Kevin, you need to go back to work tomorrow,” Sangyeon approaches gently, his voice soft.

“No, I-I can’t,” Kevin stutters staring down at the ground a frown set upon his features.

“Why not?” Sangyeon asks.

“It’s just too hard, I don’t have the inspiration I used to, and I can barely make it through a day without crying here, actually I can’t. Either way how the hell do you expect me to keep it together at work, in front of all my employees, I’m supposed to be their boss,” Kevin shakes his head, burying his face into his hands.

“They know what happened, they will be delicate with you, but you need to work,” Sangyeon gets a bit rougher with him, not wanting to give in easily.

“It’s just so hard, you don’t understand Sangyeon,” Kevin whines.

“You’re not the only one who lost Jacob,” Sangyeon mutters, now getting frustrated.

“He was supposed to marry me, the happiest day of my life and my fiance died before we could say I do. You will never understand Sangyeon!” Kevin shouts.

“And I was his best friend! I may not understand exactly how you feel, but Jacob was one of the most important people in the world to me, we had been best friends since we were babies. I swore I’d always protect him and now look what’s happened, so you know what Kev, I know it’s hard. I lost my best fucking friend that day,” Sangyeon cries.

“I-I’m sorry Sang-” Kevin gets cut off.

“No, you don’t get to be sorry, I know you’re hurting but so are others and you can’t keep going like this Kev. Maybe it’s hard, maybe it feels impossible, but you can’t keep being bitter and angry at everything and everyone, we are trying to help you, but you need to help yourself too. Someday you will be okay again, but you won’t ever be okay if you keep looking at the world the way you currently are,” Sangyeon finishes standing up from his spot and wiping the tears from his eyes. “I promise I will always be here for you Kev, but you also need to be there for yourself, you still have a life to live, and that means a hell of a lot. Don’t waste it being angry,” Kevin sits stunned mulling over Sangyeon’s words as the older leaves his house and drives off. 

He lays back on his bed staring up at the ceiling, fire seeping through his vision until it is hazy and dark the fire still burning. But for the first time since Jacob died, Kevin doesn’t wake up screaming in the morning. He welcomes the chirping birds and the sun painted across his face. Maybe he can be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this sad sad shit, I hope that you enjoyed? Lol if you wanna yell at me you can do so on twitter @keb_moontrash


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